Yesterday was insane, really. On the way to the appt. Jayme felt sick and was scared to death of her blood draw. This is so wierd to me because she never used to be scared of it. She suffered from a bout of E-Coli when she was little and really got used to being a human pin cushion but yesterday she was absolutely freaked out. We stopped and got her some peppermint tea but it didn't seem to calm her nerves any.

We arrived and checked in, I heard my name called and there was an old friend of mine sitting there. She asked what we were there for and then acted horrified when I told her. She sat there asking questions loudly and rudely. I wanted to shield Jayme from her! When Jayme went back to be weighed she started going on about abortion and how I was too young to be a gramma. Ugh! Finally I had to just set a boundary and tell her that Jayme has made her choice and we are all happy with it. Why do people think that they have the right to make judgement calls and question my daughter and myself! It's really unnerving.

Back to the appointment, this first one wasn't actually with the midwife, it was with a lady who oversees all pregnancies. She spent 2 solid hours with us just talking about family history, pregnancy, what to expect at each appointment, what tests would be done. It was really neat actually. I never had that with any of my pregnancies! Jayme was 6 weeks pregnant yesterday according to the chart, but that could possibly change. Since she is just beginning to feel naseaus, I tend to think that it's accurate.

We got done with that part, and on to get the blood draw. Jayme was shaking like a leaf and turned absolutely white. The decision was made to have her lay down and she turned into a little child. She said "mommy please hold my hand and cover my eyes". She was absolutely freaked out by the process. I tried to get her to sing in French, and she couldn't remember. We tried to talk about music, or France, or food but nothing at all worked. I think that we definately need to work on relaxation techniques before September comes!

So, she go's back to see the midwife next week, where we get all of the results. Hopefully everything go's well, I have kinda got used to the idea that a baby is going to be in the house again.

Her first Midwifery Appointment

I am sitting here this morning trying to prepare for her first midwifery appointment. I chose this midwife because I often act as a doula for young girls and have seen her in action. She is absolutely wonderful, really working with the girls bodies and different positions to make birth happen as natural as possible. Of course Jayme had no real experience with midwives, so I chose this one, and then Jayme has her choice of keeping her or moving on. I think that Jayme will like her though.

I find that I am nervous about this first appt. as I was with my own. Now that the reality of her having a baby has set in, I worry like crazy. Everytime she has a cramp or a headache I am examining her to make sure her and babe are ok. She is battling bouts with nausea now, which reassures me that everything is ok. I keep staring at her belly, as if trying to impress upon myself that there is indeed a tiny baby in that flat belly of hers. It's so strange because I haven't ever had anybody close to me (emotionally) that was pregnant. It brings up a lot of tender protective feelings.

On a good note, everybody in the family who had to be told has been. Part of me wanted to wait until we knew everything was fine, and part of me just had to get it done and over with. So far everybody has been awesome and supportive. My grandmother comes to visit every October and we talked about how we will have to go get a 5 generation photograph done. I hope Jayme has a girl because 5 generations of women would be absolutely powerful. I'm glad that people have chosen to support Jayme instead of coming down hard on her. It makes my job a bit easier, playing Mama Bear!

I will update later when we know how the appointment went, for family and friends who read this,

Katrina

Moody Mornings

Jayme wakes up in the mornings now, later then before. She is only 6-7 weeks from my calculations but all she is wanting to do is sleep. She has been eating breakfast before she leaves for school, which she didn't used to do. Yesterday mornign she sat there looking at breakfast going "uhm . . . Im not feeling so well". I had to remind her she isn't eating just for her, but for baby too. It is so strange to have these conversations with my baby, she IS still my baby, so tiny at 15. She wears a size 1 and is only about 104 pounds. I am very concerned about the effects of this already, but then I have to remember many small women have healthy pregnancies and birth. Then again, she isn't a *Woman* yet, she is just 15.

It is amazing to me how people all want to give their advice on what she (or I) should be doing! Some say I should force her to have an abortion (and that would help her how!) or that I should force adoption. Comments range from how ashamed I should be (disapointed yes but never ever ashamed of my daughter) or how her life is over (no, its not, its just drastically changed). One friend even asked if I was going to have her do a paternity test! Ugh! The things people think are ok to blast me with are just getting old.

Yesterday I was driving, and this song came on. I have heard it before but never paid much attention, but this song just made me cry, thinking of her and her choices. Part of it says

Never settle for the path of least resistance

Living might mean taking chances

But they're worth taking

Lovin' might be a mistake But it's worth making

It dawned on me that yes, she has made some mistakes but she DIDN'T take the past of least resistance, the easy way out, the shortcut. She chose life and love and the more difficult road, but the road that is probably for the best. I have heard many many women regret having an abortion, but never have heard a woman regret having her child.

I love my daughter, and I am so very proud of the choices she is making. I told her that when she came home yesterday, and she looked at me with her jaw open, shocked. She began to shake, and then cry, and I just held her. She is amazing . . . Truly amazing to me.

Irony

I have hit a point where I just accept that yes, my daughter is pregnant. I'm no longer in a haze about it, I don't have the realization hit me like a ton of bricks the moment my eyes open and I'm not crying over her vastly different future. Now, I am in this strange sarcastic mode where I see irony in the things she says.

Yesterday, she came home and I was explaining I set up a midwife appointment for her. I was explaining various details and mentioned a blood draw. She began to shake and cry, "no mom! I can't do that! They have to get that information some other way!!!". I explained that they HAD to take blood, it wasn't optional, and what it was for. She began to cry and said "Why didn't you tell me this before? I asked if it would have made a difference and she said "maybe!". Looking at this young girl, my baby, so mature for her age and so childlike, I saw the irony of it all. She isn't afraid to birth a baby, not afraid of an epidural (which, up to a few months ago she was very against, things have quickly changed in her attitudes though) she isn't afraid of a shot, being up all night with a screaming baby, not afraid to work in a coffee stand by herself but the mention of a blood draw brings on hysterics. I don't know why, but I found it amusing.

Maybe that makes me a bad parent, but what else can I do at this point. I certainly am not at a point where I feel *happy* for her, nor am I at a point where I am looking forward to *baby*, but I'm not mad and don't want to browbeat her either. That may be why im just sarcastic, what can I say.

Last night I came home from my new job (great timing eh!) and her and her boyfriend T were fighting like cats and dogs. Finally I decided to play mediator and ask what was wrong. Apparently the fight was this: T wanted to have sex, and Jayme refused. She said she already screwed up enough and she wasn't going to have sex again until she is married. T felt that she was forcing him to be unhappy and that he would just have to deal with her choice. He wanted a *compromise* and I am sure you can read between the lines to see what that meant.

I sat there with my jaw open. I couldn't believe he felt it was his "right" and furthermore that he would be so bold as to tell me it was his right to have sex with MY 15 year old daughter. I basically put it back on him, asked him why he had the right to devalue her morals. He said "what about my morals". I stayed calm (yes, I wanted to strangle him) and basically told him that if his morals meant at 17, he had to have sex, then he could go find somebody else. I pushed him as to why he couldn't accept her morals, and why he felt that he had the *right* to have sex at 17 with a young girl. After a lot of thinking, he said "well, I never hear No to anything, so when I do I want to push more". I told him he sounded more like a spoiled brat, and he agreed. I think I do have a clearer picture of what went on between my daughter and him though. It makes me sick and angry to have to have these discussions, I would much rather kick him out and ban her from seeing him, but the reality is, he IS the father of my someday grandchild, and I need to work as hard as they do at keeping us all civil and connected.

All that being said, I just really still don't know how to "Handle" this situation with them. I am keeping her home for the most part (not hard, she is asleep by 8pm) and limiting their time together, even though it was quite limited before. I wonder if there is a book about parenting a parent . . . If not there should be.

Life takes a turn

My purpose in creating this blog is to document my emotions and feelings through the course of my teenage daughter's pregnancy. Right now, its been a week since I found out, and I am still numb and in shock. I want to record how I feel, record the events, the ups and downs and all the emotions that go along with the next 8 months. My hope is that I can come here and cry, vent, curse and hopefully praise her also.

My sweet daughter is just 15, still a baby. She is a 4.0 student, part of honor band, so beautiful and accomplished. She wasn't one of "those" girls. This week I started a new job, but I had been working with teen moms and we talked about it regularly. I was so open with her about using birth control if she needed it, because of what I saw with the girls in the home. She assured me over and over that her and T (boyfriend) were not having sex. I trusted her, and that was a huge mistake.

She came to me and said she thought I was pregnant, and I countered it back to her saying "are you pregnant". Tears began to roll down her face. She said that she tested and it was negative, but she couldn't remember her last period. I felt the floor move under my feet, everything was hot and I was so dizzy. I tried to remain so calm . . . I implored her to try to remember what she was doing around the last period. She remembered T leaving for Las Vegas, so that gave us a time zone. Relief . . . she isn't even late yet. The hope persisted for a few days until I realized she was late. Then there was some discussion over whether she had the period *before* he left, or after he came back. . . no real definate dates. She told me, with all seriousness that she could not be pregnant because she "made a deal with God". I told her that was probably the most common deal ever made with God.

Well, she tested, and it was obvious immediatly. She screamed, I cried, T stared blankly at the wall. My older girls (10 and 11) wrapped thier arms around her saying it would be ok, the younger ones (3 and 5) ran through the house yelling "Jaymes having a baby" It was just unreal, I tuned out for a bit. It was sad, I was heartbroken, but not mad, never mad. I don't know why, but I just wasn't mad.

The next few days she talked about all her options, it was whirlwind, up and down, all over the place. My immediate reaction was to terminate, which is odd because I don't like abortion at all, and could never do it myself. However I knew she had to choose her own path, and I had to support her in that. She would say "Mom! Please tell me what to do, and I will do it." However, I never did, this has to be her choice only, so that she owns that choice and doesn't regret it. Too many girls make choices based on what family tells them and I have seen the long term implications of that. I don't want that for my daughter.

Finally her and T went for a drive, and talked for a few hours. They came back resolved to keep and parent the child. It breaks my heart what she is losing, but I support them.

So, here I will journal the ups and downs. I plan to print it all out someday and keep it for her, for someday, maybe. I may just burn it, I may keep it for myself. I just really don't know. I need a place to shout though.