Yesterdays Appointment

Jayme had a routine checkup yesterday. She asked Tony to come so that he could hear the heartbeat. I still am having a very difficult time being around him, and hold some deep concerns for his future and my daughters future if he is to stick around. Either way though, Jayme wanted him to come, so I was pleasant as I could be to him.

Jayme has lost another 1/2 pound over the past four weeks. I am so concerned for her. She tries to eat but gets sick after about 5 bites. She isn't throwing up at all, but just feels very full and nauseous. Elizabeth (midwife) recommended that she stop taking her vitamin and see if she has better luck eating. I sure hope that works.

According to the ultrasound, they changed her dates after all to September 17. This means she was 11 weeks on Sunday. I talked to Elizabeth about her chances of premature birth, and she just kinda nodded and said "yep". I feel that she is expecting Jayme to go early but that doesn't really surprise me. I just hope babe doesn't come early enough to cause any problems. I want this transition to motherhood to be as smooth as possible for Jayme.

The heartbeat was fantastic, Tony was able to hear it, he just was very quiet and didn't say anything. I hope it affects him and makes him realize its time to grow up and stop the childish games. He is considering going into the Air Force, because of the stability and money. I think its a fantastic idea, of course! I encouraged him to give it serious thought. My feelings are that Jayme could complete high school without his games and pressure, she would get stable child support from him, and if he did indeed grow up a bit, then possibly down the road they could work things out. The rate he's currently going though, I just don't see that as possible.

Anyway, its been a great week, we adopted 2 new kitties from a local shelter. They have kept us busy playing kitty tag and just being neat cats in general. Work is well, Jayme is well, little ones are well. I'm praying to keep the momentum up!

Belly Shots

Can you believe that this is my daughters 10 week belly picture? Ok, so if I was a nice mom, I would have her in some cute outfit showing a slightly swollen belly, but OH NO! I am absolutely fascinated with the changes in her belly!!! I think its amazing, and so of course, I make her pose for me with a bare belly. She may refuse in a few months but for now I am gonna keep getting belly pics while I can :)

I don't think I was every that poochy at 10 weeks, but again, I suppose because of her size, it's just completely noticeable. She has always had such an amazingly flat tummy that there is nowhere for baby to go! She of course, is not fitting into her size one jeans anymore. She begins the day with a pretty flat belly but by the end of the day ~ well you can see for yourself. The funny thing is, I thought she was sticking her belly out, but no way . . . that is just where baby is.

For her and Tony, well, they did get back together for a brief time, but he instantly began with his controlling ways of yelling at her, being rude, and just demanding her time and attention. Tonight it came to a head, he showed up at the door, she didn't feel like talking to him so she asked us to not answer the door. I finally did answer and explained that she wasn't in the mood to see him. Shortly after he called up, screaming and cursing at me for keeping them apart. Jayme bawled because of the way he talked to me. It really disturbed her. I explained that if she stayed in this relationship then she had that same treatment to look forward to. I then had a long talk with Tony's mother where I shared my concerns about his anger and his instability. She was really great about it and agreed with me. She had overheard some of his screaming at me, and agreed that it was best for all if he stays away for now.

Jayme is coming down hard on herself for being pregnant and having this tie with him. I just explained that she can't change it now, but should use it as a learning lesson the next time she meets somebody. She feels that she has messed up her life. Teenagers are so dramatic, but when you add in the hormones, oh sheesh . . . I feel I am in a cesspool of hormonal drama. It's not a place I enjoy being at all.

She is sleeping now, hopefully tomorrow will prove to be a more relaxing day. I for one am exhausted by these two kids and their emotions. Jayme swears that she will never forgive him for the things he said to me, but the truth is, it didn't really bother me. He is just an angry hot headed kid who needed to vent. I am seriously concerned for her and the babe though if she continues to deal with his ways. I think sometimes it would be easier for all if he just decided to run and ignore the whole thing. I know that isn't the right way, but at the moment it seems much easier.

only 30 more weeks of watching the growing belly hehehehe, she is 2 months pregnant today. I feel like she has been pregnant forever, I had to actually go and count on the calender because I could not figure out how she could be ONLY 2 months pregnant! I still think I am miscounting something!

There is a belly!

I noticed Jayme seemed a bit fuller around the waist the other day, but I figured she had layers of clothing on, because, after all, she is just 9 weeks pregnant. Baby is size of a grape, so how could she be *showing* just yet. However later she came down in jammie bottoms and a tank top and there is definitely a bump! It is a rather cute bump too, if I do say so myself :)

Its strange to watch her body change, the protective feelings it brings up in me are amazing. Of course as a mom, I have always been protective of my babes, but this is different, more instinctive, more ferocious. I can't quite explain it, but its a primitive and quite aggressive desire to surround her in protection. Maybe that is how people feel when their partners are pregnant. It's really curious and interesting to me though. Each tummy ache, sore muscle, headache or complaint has my heart skipping a beat. Each time somebody asks her once again if she knows what she is getting into makes me lean toward violent tendencies, every rude comment makes my skin crawl. It's amazing what a pregnant girl can do to a rational woman.

Of course, I have been concerned about her making it to term considering her size. I try to comfort myself with all I know, but it seems to fade completely because I come up with every possible What-If scenario possible. I know from Doula school and countless births I have been to that she should do fine, I need to trust nature. I have, or should I say had, convinced myself that I was worrying for nothing until I got a call last night. As I was leaving work I noticed I had 5 missed calls. Come to find out, one of the young mama's that I was supposed to be a doula for, had went into labor 8 weeks early. She gave birth last night to a healthy 4 1/2 pound baby boy. I went to visit her, arriving 20 minutes after she gave birth. Of course, I am completely in a panic once again, because that could be MY daughter in a few months. I don't want that path for Jayme, it will be hard enough to parent a healthy newborn but starting with a preemie is a whole different story.

So, I think my recurring theme is worry and protection. Maybe I should just get used to it. It's so easy to give advice (trust your body! Trust nature! Trust your instinct!) and a WHOLE different story to follow it!

One Beautiful Bean

Today we arrived for Jaymes appointment. It seemed like it took forever to be seen, poor Jayme was squirming every which way, since she had to have a full bladder for the procedure. We sat in the waiting room and of course, right in front of us was a huge ultrasound picture of a set of twins. I kept staring every which way but that, in hopes that it would somehow make it less real what we were there for!

Finally we were called in, and Jayme got settled. Tony wasn't there because we assumed Jayme would have a vaginal ultrasound, and she wanted privacy. Strangely enough, Tony understood and was ok with it. As it turned out, her uterus is so high (about 3 inches above her pubic bone) that they could see baby clearly through the ultrasound. Even the tech was a bit surprised but I guess its just that her frame is so tiny (shes 5'2 and 104 pounds). Anyway, the first thing I saw was the babe and the yolk sac. I almost passed out cold! Literally! I quickly realized it was just too round to be a baby though!

The tech popped right onto babys heart, and let us listen, it was clear and 168 beats a minute. Jayme said "is HER heart supposed to be fast like that?" The tech reassured her, and then let us watch as Lexie ( no idea why I am calling the baby that, but I have been for a week) moved all over the screen. I guess I didn't realize that they can wiggle and squirm so much already at that point. I had very early ultrasounds (5-6 weeks to confirm) or else later ones after 15-20 weeks. It surprised me. I looked at Jayme, and she just sat wide eyed staring at her baby on the screen. I think it was good for her to see that there was a true baby inside her.

I sat there looking at this tiny little squirming peanut, and couldn't help but feel a rush of emotions. All circumstances aside, the truth still remains ~ this is my daughters baby. I sat there in complete emotions, so amazed at the tiny little heartbeat . . . thinking of tiny baby toes forming, eyes and facial features . . . to say it simply, I fell in love, completely.

I was caught off guard. I have been so worried and tense the past few weeks, and all of a sudden, that worry was gone. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in a foggy baby bubble thinking that everything is going to be blissful and sweet. I still am very aware of the reality that we all face, the transitions, the ups and downs, the sacrifices to be made by all.

But, for this moment in my life, I am in love with an 8 week peanut, with a fast heartbeat, and an amazingly brave and strong mama ~ and that . . . is what truly matters!

Please keep me sane today . . .

This afternoon is Jayme's appointment. I couldn't sleep last night, I am so worried. I tossed and turned, all I kept thinking is what if . . . what if there are 2 babies? I feel like I am being so selfish but the truth is, I know that she is capable of caring for a baby, but if there are 2, that means much much more work for me. Even in the perfect situation, I think twins would be way more then twice the work. Considering the circumstances, I know that work would fall onto me. I know that is so selfish of me. I just keep picturing September coming, I will be homeschooling a 6th grader, a K/1st grader and PreK. I want to be able to really devote my time to that, and HOW could I do that with 2 babys in my already not so large house?

Of course, I am also scared to death of twins simply because she is so tiny. I can't imagine where those babies would go in her body. She was down to 104 last week, her size 1 pants are loose on her, her hips are just a hands width of mine. I am scared, quite honestly. Scared about her being on bed rest, on giving birth, on parenting, on my role in that. I'm just quite frightened about how this will all turn out. I need to stop stressing and I know that, but its easier said then done. I am trying to not show her any signs of fear, because the reality is, she is leaning on me to make things alright for her life right now. Pregnant or not, I am still her mom, and the one that keeps her feeling safe and balanced.

On the good side, I have had her taking her prenatal vitamins at night before bed. It seems to be helping alot with the morning sickness, she actually is eating now. Right now she is craving alot of fruit and cereal (Life cereal to be exact). I'm glad we are moving toward fruit season because its killing my budget! lol! I was at the store buying yogurt, strawberries, bananas, grapes, etc. and just chuckling because I would have never ever bought strawberries in February for me, but for my sick sweet daughter, I would do anything. I just am hoping for some weight gain at the next appointment.

So, I am sitting here with butterflies in my tummy, hoping and praying that we see one tiny baby today, and not two. Jayme doesn't seem so concerned about it, she just said that she is assuming its 2 because it would be her luck. She did express concerns about a C/S if it was twins but thats a long road away.

I will try to update later, unless I am in a case of complete hysteria . . . . .

Dates or Doubles . . .

Yesterday was her first Midwifery exam. I was a bit anxious, wanting test results and to know that everything was ok with her and the babe. She was feeling really sick on the ride to the clinic, but, lately, everything makes Jayme sick, so that was no surprise.

We sat in the clinic, I read her parts of Pierre (which is, hands down, the absolute worst book ever written, but I have to make fun of it since its required reading for American Lit.) Anyway, we were laughing over the names in the book *bessy Lucy Ruthie* and quickly ruled them out. Elizabeth, the midwife came in and chatted a bit with Jayme, where the subject of her dates came up. Jayme is fairly certain she had her LMP around the time Tony left for Las Vegas. We all seemed comfortable with the idea that she is 7 weeks pregnant. She then left, Jayme undressed, I continued making her insane by reading Pierre . . . Then the midwife came back, and began the exam. She went to do the internal and said "uh, this uterus is much larger then 7 weeks!" She was able to take Jaymes hands and show her where the top of the uterus was (above her pelvic area). I just assumed for a moment that Jayme was further along then she thought she was, however when Elizabeth tried to listen to fetal heart tones, there were none. I asked what that meant and she said " I think I would like to get an ultrasound".

I'm now in a semi-state of panic. What if it is twins!!! From what Elizabeth said, if she was 10 or more weeks we should be able to hear the heart tones. I won't even let my thoughts go in the direction of the babe not having heart tones, that just simply isn't a thought I am willing to entertain. However, I think I will be in an absolute state of panic for the next week until Wednesdays ultrasound!

As for Jayme and Tony, she and I talked much this past week about Love and respect, about boundaries and abuse of those boundaries. Jayme was really frustrated with him, and he was really being a bit of a teen control freak. I certainly didn't like what I was seeing and hearing but the truth is still . . . he is going to be part of this. I have to stay on friendly ground with him even if it drives me insane. Finally Jayme went to him and told him that she isn't willing to date him anymore. She wants to remain friends but that is it. I am so very proud of her for standing up for herself. How easy it would have been to remain with him because it was easier.

So, the past week has been kind of quiet, she is very very sick now, to the point that she lost 4 pounds in a week. She can't eat and begs us not to cook any food in the house because it makes it worse. I am at the store daily for ginger ale, crackers, breadsticks or whatever it takes to make her feel better. She can't even look at a vegetable and wants tons of fruit, somewhat of a flip-flop from before she was pregnant. She used to be a salad junkie but those days are gone!!!

So, I think we are making it, step by step. This is certainly much easier now then it was 3 weeks ago. It's amazing to realize how quickly we have all adapted and settled into our new roles. I never would have guessed it!

So, another week of stressing . . . or is it 7 1/2 months of stressing left ...